# Chapter 131

“Some truths are hard to accept. If you believe only what you like in the histories, and reject what you don’t want to believe, it is not the truth you seek, but a confirmation of your own opinions. You will never find truth that way.” Wheeler

This is what I have missed most about my mother these last 15 years or so, with her struggle with Alzheimer’s and then she passed away three years ago. She had a special ability to tell the truth, and in such a way that it was impossible to ignore. She could shed light on any dark subject with a clarity that compelled you toward the right actions. If you choose to stick your head in the sand and sleep away her insights, then you inevitably paid the price for that foolishness further down the road. I could write a whole book just about my follies of not listening to my mother.

We are people who love to pick and choose which truths we want to accept and take on, and not only in the histories, but especially in our religions. One of my Muslim neighbors here in Eastern Europe is war-mongering all the time and he gets that from the Koran. My other Muslim neighbor is the consummate peace-maker and he gets that from the Koran. You see what I mean? I think Christians are far worse (or better) at doing this. 30 years of working in the church has convinced me that we use and focus on about 4-5% of the scriptures and ignore the rest.

Why else are we obsessed with homosexuals, but entirely and completely totally ignore gluttony within the church?

Overcome by fear of fear

# Chapter 130

“It means that we should not dwell on our troubles until they materialize for they are often not as desperate as we fear.” Wheeler

“Ninety-five percent of what we fear never happens” Mark Twain

But everyone is afraid or at least has fears. Never met a person yet who didn’t have them. Have met lots of folks who denied having them, but time shows us our true colors. But honestly having fears isn’t the problem - being crippled by the fear of fears is the problem. The vast majority of people I have met in the last 57 plus years are burning up their mental and emotional bandwidth on problems and obstacles that only COULD cross their paths. They rarely materialize, but the effect is the same as if they did. People far too often live their lives as if their potential challenges are real and actual. As they called it in the old country, they are always borrowing trouble. Don’t! Seriously I mean DON’T!

Let’s be honest, everyone has challenges and troubles and difficulties, because anytime our expectations aren’t met, we think we have a problem. And a percentage of the population has super problems, a child with cancer, and dying parent, a lost job, bankruptcy, no indoor plumbing, garbage diving for food, begging on street corners, or sold into slavery. Not many of us face those super problem situations thank God, but we are equally as incapacitated as those with super problems, because of our fear of our fears, our obsession with what could happen or might happen. Thus the concept of insurance came into being.

Don’t get me wrong, I have insurance, am required by law to have it, but insurance is a rigged game and you and me will always lose. But I don’t have to add fear of my fears and worry and stress to the calamity as well.

A life two sizes too small

# Chapter 129

“a life two sizes too small” Smith

When you question your potential, you always always end up living a life two sizes too small. There is no cap to who you can be or become. The real limitations may only be in your imagination, and willingness to pay the price of becoming. You will never know though, until you take action. Until you begin to move toward something other than a life two sizes too small.

If you cannot begin to move toward something other than a life two sizes too small, then in reality it isn’t too small is it? Because a life two sizes bigger than you have right now will demand more from you! If you are incapable or unwilling or too weak, then you are in the right sized life now. Oh so you don’t like that kind of talk huh? Who am I to tell you what you are or aren’t?

Well you can want something all your life an never take it, and we call those fantasizes. What I am talking is what we call destiny. You have been deflected and detoured and hampered and derailed and set back and taken advantage of and yes, perhaps even lazy, but you will not be denied! This will happen! You will succeed!

Now you are talking and thinking like a person who will live a life two sizes bigger, two sizes more. No matter how many starts and stops you face, you will become! I was in my late 40’s before I finally broke through and stopped living a life two sizes too small. You too can be more!

Questioning our potential

# Chapter 128

“For too long you have questioned your potential.“ King

I remember Lisa S far too well. She was that Junior High School beauty queen, cheerleader, and super snob. She cut me totally pieces one day in the gym as I was trying to jump my plump jr high body into the air and tap the net hanging below the basketball goal. I didn’t even get close. She said as she passed by . . . well of course I can’t remember what she said 44 yers later (and this is a point unto itself), but it had something to do with my weight and my lack of athletic ability. It shattered me! By believing someone who knew me not at all, I floundered for decades. This one comment was not all that sent me in that direction, but it was a particularly sensitive and volatile time in my small adolescent mind. And so it begins . . . for too long you have questioned your potential.

Fast forward 44 years and Lisa S is now Lisa G and is an overweight woman who spends far too much time in front of her TV, and has accomplished far far less than her potential. I wonder why? Who said what to her and assisted in derailing her from all her potential? What brought her to question her potential and settle for so much less?

And I imagine that the whys and what’s matter to a point, but not as much as our society believes. The cause is just mostly simple human viciousness aimed at the fragility of an adolescent mind. Not sure at all that adult minds are any more resilient, but these are some of the causes, but what are the cures?

For me, strong wonderful friends and mentors picked me up over the years and put me back together, stronger and better than I could have been before. I am living my best maximum version of me and I am determined to help others do the same.

All we can be

# Chapter 127

#book

“We are always more than we think we are.” King

Continuing along in the same thread as yesterday, the incapacitating doubts and fears that many seem to experience, cannot be permitted to continue. There is too much important work that awaits us and will require of each of us, a great boldness. Frankly it will demand heroics from us.

At dinner last night I sat with a client who detailed his understanding of what God wants for us. Notice I said for us, not from us. He went on to describe that he understands and believes that God is always searching for people who will step up, be more, take on a larger challenge than the one that they currently are engaged in. We are always more than we think we are.

Personally I think my client is correct. His posture and mine are that God wants to give us ever larger arena’s in which to bring about His plans. The gift is that we get to participate! Unfortunately most of my peeps in the world are so small minded that they think the blessing is about them. That it will be some form of tangible benefit, or fame, or power, or position. But it cannot be. For that would make the Kingdom of God, the universe, about us. That is rubbish.

This is more thinking along the lines of, have you reached your capacity? Have you become all that you can possibly become? Are you the maximum version of you? I believe it delights God to no end when we do so. It is the pinnacle of His creation reaching all its potential. We are always more than we think.

Unlearning

# Chapter 126

“ . . . deep down, you don’t think you’re good enough. That’s a lie you learned, and you can unlearn it . . ..” Geissinger

Unlearning is the largest part of personal development that my clients face day in and day out. Me too. Although my learning curve remains very high out of necessity. Unlearning is different than learning of course . . . it is a choice to not engage, rather than engage. It is a decision to ignore rather than regard with care. It is usually a “no” rather than a “yes” in the sense you have to learn (unlearning) what to stop rather than what to do.

Unlearning is much more difficult than learning for most people, based on my observations. Those lessons from our childhood have deep roots and are very challenging to do away with cleanly. It is astonishing how many of my peers and friends in their late 50’s are still attempting to deal with the wreckage of those messages and interactions with the adults of their childhoods. I am not talking about abuse per se, as much as I am talking about just normal families and the debris they leave in the wake of normal typical children.

While I tend to believe and act on the understanding that my parents were just two normal humans struggling to provide for us all in difficult times, and I honestly believe most other families are similar, clearly the effect of those typical and normal families leave deep deep impressions and feelings that we base our current realities on. One of my dearest friends calls this the shame factor. While I don’t experience this very much personally, the fact that he believes it and has researched it verifies it in my world as a genuine phenomena.

When I faintly hear the lie that I am not good enough in my mind, it makes me just work more diligently. For others though, it seems to be paralyzing. Regardless of our reactions, the real truth of the matter is that “we were made for such a time as this.” You are perfect for what is required of you. Don’t believe a lie. Don’t live a life two sizes too small.

Treat it like royalty

# Chapter 125

“Your body isn’t a thing to be looked at and judged against some standard of perfection that doesn’t even really exist. It’s the vessel that takes you through life, allowin’ you to experience all the beautiful things life has to offer. Food. Sex. Sunsets. Music. Hugs. Laughter. A healthy body is a gift. Don’t take it for granted. Don’t treat it like some cheap one-night stand. Treat it like the love of your life. Treat it with respect and tenderness, but most of all, gratitude.” Geissinger

This is lesson I am learning late in life. The same time most people do. When they come to realize that their body is the only one they are gonna get, that no trade-in’s are allowed, and some parts aren’t working they way they are supposed to on an optimal day. Somehow, taking your body to the doctor is never as quick, definitive and satisfying as getting your car fixed properly at a good mechanic. There is generally no possibility of just swapping out worn parts for new. No Advanced Auto Parts for the body available.

However my body has regenerative powers that my car does not have, if only I would quit poisoning it day after day, this regenerative engine in my body could and would make a number of substantive repairs and replacements. The primary poisons are apparent, alcohol, drugs and smoking. But consistent overfeeding and lack of use, probably are bigger problems for the majority of the population.

Stop making your body submit to all the angst and stress and anxiety in your heart and head. Get moving. Its your one and only vessel, treat it like royalty.

Unplugging life support

# Chapter 124

“Love? Hardly. If you were on a life support machine, I’d unplug it to charge my phone.” Geissinger

These kinds of statements make me laugh because I actually knew people like this. People I would have unplugged a life support machine on and charged my phone instead . . . or it felt that way 20 plus years ago. Of course back then we did not have phones to plug in, but I digress. And just for the record, there were lots more that would have unplugged MY life support machine, than I theirs.

The only reason I am laughing is because I DON’T have those kinds of people in my life any longer. I avoid them like the dysentery and Ebola virus. I do everything within my power to prevent these types of people inroads into any sphere of my life. I block them, I ignore them, I avoid them, I simply don’t allow them into my world. My phone doesn’t currently need to be charged, and that is good because I no longer have a glut of these people in my world.

Now it is possible to focus on something world-changing, instead of grinding my teeth all night at the drama these folks create. Somehow, it is always about them. Don’t want to ever live that way ever again. I sat with a millionaire last night and generally I avoid these types too. But this guy is special. He is changing the world in so many great ways and it is totally not about him. He is focused on living a life that demands all he has to give. He is not allowing any slackers into his world.

Power versus force

# Chapter 123 “No, I’m jealous of everyone who hasn’t met you.” Geissinger

Beyond intellectual rigor, there are other requirements of leadership. The foremost being, possessing a manner in which you can engage people in a warm and caring fashion. People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care, it has been said. It is astonishing how few people seem to do this well and naturally. These are soft skills that have to be developed. Naturally nurturing people do exist, but they don’t generally show up in the C-suite in my experience and from what I have observed.

Caring about people will give you power. If you aren’t willing to be such a person, all you have remaining is force in your arsenal. Power is far superior over force. Power is a way to help people, force is a way to control people. I had lived most of my life wrestling with force wielders, driving me to accomplish their agendas and goals. I have now removed those people from my life.

Life went from a tsunami of stress and anxiety to a calm peaceful glacial lake. My weight dropped off as my stress and anxiety dropped off. Normal weight now for almost eight years. Clarity and deep work are much more possible, almost natural.

It took 23 years of that toxic work environment before enough was enough. Now that we have been out of it for 11 and a half years, hindsight tells me that I should have resigned much much sooner. You don’t have to work with people that you feel this way about. You don’t have to be jealous of those who have never met them.

The nerd and geek

# Chapter 122

“You’re depriving some poor village of its idiot.” Geissinger

I grew up in a culture that at the surface celebrates stupidity. They enjoy playing the dumb hick, that especially outsmarts the city slicker. Its a clever twist in that if things go well, how clever or smart you are becomes apparent, and if things go poorly, well you are just a dumb hick and you have not lost any social standing in the process.

Thinking deep and focused is nothing like this cultural game that is played out in the Deep South. It is intentional and planned and carefully implemented with purpose and direction. Ironically so for me, it begins with just admitting that I don’t understand something important and then getting to work on gaining that understanding. There is no pretense here. One of the greatest gifts of completing my doctorate is the certainty that I know “more and more about less and less.” I don’t feel smarter than anyone else, nor does that thought ever cross my mind unless I am in the Deep South.

Cognitive pursuits and intellectual rigor are not admired in most of the circles I frequent in MooCow GA. I was made fun of as a kid for being a “bookworm” and I have been a nerd and a geek all my life. I now consider that one of my superpowers and so cognitive pursuits are mine because I decide that they are and the village idiots are free to disdain me all they like. How our lives diverged and moved in separate ways pleases me greatly.

All you have to do is be humble and admit that you know so very little, and work hard to learn all that you need to learn. My learning curve has never been steeper and I am having a blast!

Winning in 2020

# Chapter 121

Thinking is very hard work as I said in the previous chapter and few of us seem to find much time to do it very often. It isn’t a very highly valued skill in Western popular culture. I am not sure I ever tried thinking about a difficult problem and trying to solve it before I reached college. Prior to college, I was just a bag of growth hormones, emotions holding far more sway than anything going on between my ears. Thinking was just too damn hard. And too slow.

Those are both still true, thinking is difficult and slow. But now that I am no longer a bag of growth hormones, I can do difficult and slow. But it still requires solitude and that is challenging to find in this noisy world, where everything is designed to compete for your attention. On this first day of the year 2020, the attention economy is the most deadly enemy to good thinking, as it wrecks our solitude and silence and focus.

It is only by thinking that we recognize what we don’t know .... yet. It positions us to learn what we need to learn to do, make, and be productive. We need strategic thinking that can map a path forward. Strategic thinking that can resolve deep problems facing the world.

My friend just finished his PhD and now he is a bit lost without a million assignments to do. Think man think!! This is what you need that unstructured space for, space to think! Room to expand your understanding and restructure your future actions. It’s the necessary and difficult work we can do.

Be king

# Chapter 120

“I was sovereign over only one thing, and that was my thoughts.” Wheeler

The 25 plus years I have spend overseas has taught me many things, but the first and foremost of them all is that I can’t be American outside of America if I want to live in peace and get along. And the most insidious thing about being an American is that you think you have rights. That can be a deadly understanding on my side of the world. Whoever has the gun, has the rights where I live.

American “rights” mean nothing outside of the borders of the USA and I am not sure they mean what they did in the past, even there. We think we have the right to choose our own destinies, our vocations, our own political leanings, our place where we want to live and the person we are going to marry . . . and to think what we want to think.

After visiting 50 plus countries and living abroad for a quarter century, I have seen all of these “right” stripped away except one. The one we tend to use the least. Our minds. Thinking is difficult work and in very short supply.

But is likely the only thing you truly have control over, and you need to leverage it more than all others. It is critical for your well being that you have thought well and that they are orderly thoughts. It is the gateway to understanding the meta-events happening around you and in the world. In a completely different usage of the word “think” there is this take: “It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” —Dale Carnegie

Think.

Be King over your thoughts.

Who to love

# Chapter 119

“My point is when we are young, it’s hard to choose who to love. When we are older, it becomes an imperative.” Harms

I have less days left than ever to love the important people in my life. I know that sounds grim and my wife regularly busts my chops about seeing everything in an everyone-is-going-to-die-soon manner. But we have had three of four parents and one sibling die in recent years. We are not far behind. While this sounds grim to most, it is just factual to me.

The paradox of my life (and perhaps everyone’s) is that my circle of acquaintances around the world grows ever larger while my circle of important people grows ever smaller. This is imperative as you grow older! Focus more on the important pieces. You have limitations. Acknowledge them and then take appropriate action. And be lavish about it, when you have made these choices. Don’t hold back!

And in another paradox . . . I have less love to give than ever before. I am jaded and scarred and arthritic and damaged and hurt and betrayed and these are cumulative at some level on our psychics. It won’t be the pure love of small child. It will be the complicated love of an adult. Navigate with caution. Yet I have more to give than ever before. Experience, wisdom, training, education, well-traveled, awareness, appropriately suspicious, mama bear ferocity, perspective and protection. And more.

Jackhammers

# Chapter 118 “ . . . father . . . do(es) not watch anything but Fox News, with the volume turned to just above Jackhammer and just below Permanent Brain Damage.” Harms

The older I become, the less capacity I have to tolerate loud consistent noises. My focus is too important, to permit this in my life. Of course I don’t always have control over such matters, and people playing the radio or TV at brain-wrecking levels is one of those matters.

It fascinates me, that my parentals could not handle the noise of children or traffic, but the louder the TV the better. What’s up with that?? So evidently one kind of noise is acceptable, pursued even, and another kind of noise is intolerable? More than hearing is at play here.

Thankfully since mom passed away, my dad is generally too busy talking to watch much television. Of course him talking to ME when I am trying to resolve a clients problem on the other side of the world, presents ME with the same problem. It is a noisy and distracting world, and we still have the same remaining challenges to address in the world. So how do you or I get important stuff done with “the volume turned to just above Jackhammer and just below Permanent Brain Damage.”?

This is just the world we live in, and of course we are pursuing all the obvious solutions, like finding the remote, but the question remains. In my twisted dual life of living 60% of the time in Europe and 40% of the time in America with my dad, it has come down to such a dichotomy as this: in America I get the light-weight things done like email and personal visits. In Europe I get the heavy-weight things done like thinking and reading. The more focus a task requires, the more likely I am to do it in Europe.

With appropriate amounts of silence and coffee, my change-the-world quotient soars.

Outgrown people

# Chapter 117 “We outgrow clothes the same way we outgrow people, Len. We change inside the same way we do outside.” Zapata

You better! Change that is, because if you are not, then you are already dead or dying, and there is no change-the-world left in you.

It took me a very long time to understand you outgrow people. Family is the exception, you are obligated to stay with them and try your damnedest to bring them along with you and push them ahead of you. Everyone else is outgrowable. I stunted my own development for years by not letting go of people I had outgrown. And predictably, they held me back. In fact, they regularly sabotaged any efforts I made to grow or succeed or develop in any appreciative measure. This does not mean I have animosity toward them, but it does mean that I choose to have minimal contact with them so that their defertilization of my hopes and mind is inconsequential. You may find that you need ever more robust relationships as you grow older. More robust thinkers!

I regularly surround myself with people who are smarter than me, so that I can soak them up and grow and change. More robust world-changers! I need (and most others need also I think) people who can see the world differently than I do, and bigger, and smaller too. So that I can gain a more developed understanding of what’s at stake, what needs to change, the complexities of how to change it, the part I could play in changing it, etc, etc.

While I am not at all suggesting we change friends like we change clothes, we do outgrow people and we need to let them go, and get some new fresh relationships so that we can be the best version of ourselves. Today I am purposefully spending most of the day with such a person. Maybe you should too?

What you will do!

# Chapter 116 “Peter always said it was good to not get hung up on the things you’ve done but on the things you will do.” Zapata

In the last three years I have been spending tons of time with my dad, as my mom and brother passed away three years ago, in the same calendar year. In these hundreds of hours that we have spent together since their deaths, I can say with authority and deep experience, my dad is hung up on the things he has done in the past. This comprises 85% of his conversation. When I mention this to others they shrug it off immediately and basically say, “he’s pushing 80 years old, what do you expect?” Or, “all old people are hung up on the past.” Or something along those lines. This is deadly thinking.

When my dad lights up the most is when we are talking about his girlfriend, or working on a project (which I create constantly on purpose) together. Then he is fully living in the present and near future, and he is most alive. This is true for all of us.

When I worked in HR many decades ago, the number one thing I looked for in applicants was ambition - plans for the future. These were the people we could build our company on.

What we have done in the past is important, but not as important as the things we will do in the future. Not matter how many times we have circled the sun. What are you planning to accomplish next?

Not missing out at all

# Chapter 115 “Here was this guy, living what was basically my worst nightmare, and he was happier than a pig in shit. It proved that attitude is everything in life. He exuded confidence and wasn’t missing out on anything because he believed he deserved more, and he chose to live, not hide.” Keeland and Ward

How do you love the present you have, while working toward the future you want? Three ways: perspective, attitude and resolution. Perspective is a bit of a comparative exercise. Effective though. Its like when people in American talk about poverty, and I can’t get my mind around what they consider poverty, because of where I have lived and traveled these last 25 years. I still live near people who have no indoor plumbing and they have dirt floors in their shacks. And their poverty is relative, compared to what I have seen in other countries.

Perspective is the realization that while things could be better than you currently feel like they are, they could also be far far worse. Perspective is weighing of the factors you face. Weighing them against someone else’s factors. Love the life that you have, because there are a whole lot of people out there who would give anything to have your life.

Attitude is perspective in practice. Its putting the best face on what is the reality of the moment. It is gratefulness and thankfulness and gratitude all rolled into how you do life. It is forward-facing and fearless. Love the life you have, with attitude.

Resolution is accepting the life you have, a firm determination to love this life today, while striving toward a different future.

Love the life you have while . . .

# Chapter 114 “But you need to figure out how to love the life that you have, while you work on the life that you want.” Keeland and Ward This is difficult. But it is necessary. Most people in fact can’t know that they want a different life, unless they tangle with the life that they have. Its the warts and difficulties of the life that you have, which can show you that a different life is possible. These struggles and challenges and problems that you are currently facing, are the motivations of a different future. The more keenly you feel these current pressures, the more motivation you may find that you have for a different future. It has to move beyond want, to the point of action. Yet that is actually not the primary point here. The main deal is that you love the life you have while working toward the life that you think you want. This is really important, because that potential future is uncertain while your immediate present is very very definite. And that is why figuring out how to love the life that you have is so critical. All any of us have for sure, is this very moment, so you want to treasure it for whatever it is worth. This simply is your life at the moment. That potential future you are working toward (and you SHOULD be working toward it!) arrives when it arrives if it arrives. But you and I need to give at least equal energy, thought and bandwidth toward loving the life that we current have, that we give toward building that future life that we want. More about this tomorrow.

Congruence - walk the talk

# Chapter 113

The two parts of DWYSYWD - saying and doing.

Walk the talk and talk the walk. Congruence. Alignment of words and actions. Credibility.

Good intentions mean nothing. What you say and what you do matter. Intentions are your internal emotional and mental digits on your wish-thermometer. People are left with the concrete things they can see and respond to, which are your words and your actions.

Intentions can be and are a key component of saying and doing, but intentions can not stand alone. Intentions will never been heard (saying) or seen (doing) all by themselves.

You have to communicate what you will do. This saying is the first part, the first framework that people will judge your credibility by. This is why I think this needs to be DMTWYSYWD - do MORE THAN what you say you will do. Now that totally captures a credibility that will never fail you. Assuming of course that you eventually DO more than what you said you would do.

Once I had a client ask me, “wouldn’t it be better to not say or promise anything?” And the answer to that is no. People are people. They need to see you congruence play out. They need to see your processes in motion. This is just like my dad and I watching the engineers build the new bridge near his house. We watched them put all the right pieces into play, the rebar, the I-beams, the concrete, and our confidence in this bridge grows as we see it come together.

Then do more than you said you would is best, but at the very very least precisely what you said you would along with all the implications of what you said you would. This equals unshakeable credibility. The future belongs to you now. Leverage it. You built this credibility train, now ride it and change the world.

The only way to measure

# Chapter 112

Do what you say you will do. Or DWYSYWD for short SSSL p. 29

Continuing with the subject of credibility, nothing will build credibility like this one will. If you spend any amount of time with me, you’ve heard me say, “under-promise over-deliver.” Yeah, I am still singing that tune. Call when you say you will call. Show up when you say you will show up. Write when you said you would write. Research what you said you would research. Do what you say you will do. This is not rocket science. This is credibility.

What is a small promise to you, is a huge promise to the follower, client or partner, and the earlier it is in the relationship, the more weight those “small” promises carry. This is the only instrument that the other person has with which to measure what you will deliver or not. This matters way more than you can believe, to pretty much everyone you interact with in the whole world.

Remember the “charming couple” from several chapters back? Well when I confronted him about his tardiness, after almost a year of factual record-keeping, he just blew me off. Said he didn’t think tardiness was a big deal. That is why he is now a former client and colleague. Because this matters way more than you can believe to pretty much everyone you interact with in the entire world. What I still don’t get is why they did not just align their promises with their realities? Why not make the meeting for 12:15 rather than 12 if you can’t get there until 12:15?? Capish? Probably not.

DWYSYWD people!

This is also how you build a sustainable reputation. Follow up people!