Every year it gets more difficult to change

Every year it gets more difficult to change

This is more technically known as "cognitive inertia" as most of the time we find ourselves searching for and seeing confirmation for what we hold as true or accurate - confirmation bias they call it. But change is more important than ever as we age, and in fact is one of the few undeniable things that we can't avoid if we want to continue to have a life.

Yet increasing years and the culmination of experience and our histories, combined with a nostalgia for the well-polished past, selective memory about ourselves and our actions, decreasing mental agility, overflooded minds, under-active imaginations, little play, ever more limited energy, and obsessions with health issues, among a hundred other concerns and foci, make change take on an oversized pressure and challenge. It "feels" more difficult, and that becomes a self-fulfilling experience for most as the years pile on and on.

All of this came to mind today as I met a "husky" young man this morning as I was starting my daily bike ride of 11 miles straight up the mountain. I immediately felt terrible for this young fellow. Husky was the polite word used for overweight boys in the 60's and 70's. I bought jeans out of the Sears and Roebuck catalogue in the "husky" section. I continued purchasing clothes in husky sections and the big man sections, and then XXL sections of stores until I was 50 years old. And honestly I may do so once again in the future. But miraculously (for me), I changed.

I changed my belief that it was in my genetic makeup to be overweight. I changed my belief (i.e. excuse) that I had no control over my weight. I changed what I thought was an appropriate amount of food to eat each day. I changed my acceptance that I did not have the personal resources or self control to take charge of my life. And as I said, it would be ever so easy to allow my discipline to fail, and for me to return to my husky state of existence, but at least for the last six years, I have been weight-appropriate for the very first time in my life. But if I do return to that undisciplined state I lived in for 50 years, it won't be because I no longer believe that I can't change. It will probably be because I am a lazy butthead, or some other nonsense as that, but I HAVE done it for SIX years. I did and have changed.

Some other things I am thinking through about changing are like: work, alcohol, church, what kind of son I am to my dad, purpose, significance, meaning, impact, technology, communication, power, money, retirement, and my wake in life ... I am at various stages of reassessing these matters - all of them.

I am intentionally and consciously changing and reassigning these matters importance in my life, and what I will choose to do about them. This kind of thinking is "thinking about thinking" kinds of reassessment. The very foundation of change. I have been meeting entirely too many people my age who are walking through their one and only life sleepwalking, or at the very least just waiting for it to end. So perhaps this blog will not resonate with you at all, but perhaps it will shake you up enough to realize that you are largely the sum total of your choices and beliefs and that you can chose where you stand on each one of them and do it differently. They call it change, and it will never be easier than today.

4:53 am and the sky is lighting up, but am I?

4:53 am and the sky is lighting up, but am I?

Yes this means that I am back in Macedonia, where the sky begins to color and the Muslim call to prayer both are happening at 4:53 am. It's been a very short night and will be a very long day as my jet is lagging more and more with every trip I take it seems. This is a day for strong coffee, grit and low expectations.

But I am in the world where I am this morning, Eastern Europe. And only I have the decades of history and experience in this place where I am. Only I have walked the paths that I have walked and with the peeps that I have walked this life with alongside of me. I have a definite unmistakable perspective that I can bring to these situations and these lives here. I have unique insights because I am unique. Perhaps I can even be astonishing and world changing with the ideas that are floating around only in me.

Seize the opportunity to be you today. There is no one else like you anywhere else, and we need your best self. (I am beholding to Nilofer Merchant for spawning these thoughts in me today)

Five Guys, . . . but not those five guys

Yes I wish this were a post about Five Guys, the bestest hamburger and freshest fries in the whole world kind of place, but it is not. Instead it is about you and me becoming like the five people we spend the most time with, or as Jim Rohn said it, we become the average of the five guys we spend the most time with.

The terribly difficult thing for many people who work regular jobs, is that they have little control over who they spend the most time with because their daily exchange of time and energy for money (work) dictates who those five people will be. I know. I "worked" for 33 years. Never had any real control over those five people.

But this is both true and not true, because now that I run the company and I only pick people to work with that I adore and value, I have come to realize the power of these choices is breathtaking. I have a number of teams of five guys that stretch pull push bulldoze smack shove force invite and tease me to be the best version of me. In fact one of the leaders of one of those teams of five, JS, I often say to him, "may I be the man you think I am" as I sign off on one of our great emails (that are often more meaty than actual conversations with regular mortals). And if you are fortunate enough to get an email from JS, or even better yet BV, then you better put your thinking cap on and show completely up, because these guys expect you to bring your best self to the table.

Yet the five guys is not true in the sense that you can raise the stakes and make it 10 guys, or 15 guys, or maybe even 20, but I don't have the relational chops to intensely interact deeply with that many people. But Rohn still has a point in making the five (in my case I made it six) guys be an intentional choice on your part. Own your life, decide what average you are gonna be.

“You have the face of an Italian”

”You have the face of an Italian”

Yes this was actually said to me! I know that you think I am joking but I am not. I have been called many things in my life but this was a first. Maybe I should get my hair cut at that salon more often?

Clearly the police officer was delusional but like all of us, he has certain concepts that he is dealing with. In his mind, however strangely, today I looked like whatever concept or mental picture he has of what an Italian face looks like. Now no one in Italy thinks I look like an Italian, but I digress.

These concepts we all carry around with us, shape what we see. Moreover they cause us to see things that may or may not actually be there. Clearly they can misinform us as well as help us make mental leaps. 

So while we cannot, not have these concepts, we can treat them carefully. They are mental spaces where we store things, or construct things that keep our presuppositions and assumptions warmed up and ready to go. They can also be mental handcuffs that prevent us from seeing and experiencing and changing the world with our eyes wide open and our hearts engaged. So I need to regularly question how I think I know what I think I know.

My apologies to all my Italian friends, but I rather liked the idea of having an Italian face.

Space

Space

I don't mean outer space, I mean space in our lives to live them properly. In a world that seems to be ever hungry for more and more, faster and faster, higher and higher, I desperately feel the need for space. In fact we might take years to get all the space that we really need.

Space to think, space to innovate, space to care, space to make something important, space to be compassionate, space to change the world, space build, space to create, space to serve, space to consider, space to contemplate, space to work excellence, space to be brilliant, space to matter and more space and more space.

Are you making space in your life?

So much that could be done

So much that could be done

But that would require you and me to make space in our lives to do it. And that unfortunately requires trade offs. Trade off's suck because, well . . . you have to trade off something else of value. So in the end it is a triage of value. I live on this razor's edge all the time. I actually have come to the place where I count how many weeks a year I am in this physical location over that physical location. It is the sharpest kind of trade off, where the values are so close together that it is nearly impossible to find a difference in them some days. And you thought this was going to be an easy task??

It is easy you argue, you just need to see the big picture and which value you choose becomes clear. If only. The big picture makes a number of assumptions that may or may not happen. If you were as old as me and you were certain that I had 20 more years to live this out and share this life with this person or affect that series of events, then agreed, the big picture could make it easy to have clarity. But since neither I nor the individuals in question have any such certainties, that big picture is only one of many other possible futures. And yes, you can get completely and utterly lost in these kinds of equations and unknowns. So don't.

Instead, plan as if the big picture was knowable and doable and reasonably certain. But live as if all you have was this moment for this is true and certain. And I for one make plans within plans and live moments within moments - regularly adjusting to the new moments I yet have because there is so much that could be done, to change the world in meaningfully better ways. Don't allow the trade offs nor the unknowable future paralyze you into inaction. 

The struggle of constant partial attention

The key word here is CONSTANT! Occasional partial attention is altogether something else than what I am struggling with here. I literally mean constant. If you think I jest, know that at this very moment I am hiding in a different state, off the highway, in my truck, with my phone turned off so that under no circumstances can I be found, and once again have what little focus and attention I can muster be fractured. Constantly. Incessantly. Relentlessly. Unceasingly.

Instead of increasing my skills and abilities at deep work, accomplishing something important, completing with excellence those actions expected of me, I fight to even hear what has been said, to process the noise filling the room, to engage in anything more taxing than solitaire. While my presence here in this location may be important in a lifelong relational sense, to honor and respect the person I am with, the price is proving to be very very high.

This practice of constant partial attention is derailing years of discipline, decades of effort, systems that have been formed carefully over a lifetime. Of course if you have a TV in your house and you have it on for hours each day you too struggle with this same dilemma. I am talking about a person and a situation, but you might find yourself facing the very similar scenario where you are finding yourself ever further behind in the important business of conducting yourself appropriately and with excellence in the world.

You may need to find a secluded place to park your truck, in another state, turn off your phone, light up your cigar and get to work.

Bombarded with opportunities

Bombarded with opportunities 

One of the most unexpected and wonderful and terrible things that happen in your 50's is that you get bombarded with opportunities. Really. Great. Opportunities. Not generic run of the mill stuff, but really great opportunities. The kind you could only dream about 20-30 years ago. Now they are here, knocking at your door. Almost begging you to take them and seize the day and change the world!

You had darn well better be unbelievably good at saying "no" otherwise you will destroy whatever synergy/excellence/effort/experience brought you to receive these opportunities in the first place. Do you have whiplash yet? Yes this is the stage of life where your best opportunities come, and where you say "no" more and better, and more frequently than ever before.

Pay attention here, you are probably looking at all of this wrong. Offered opportunities are NOT an invitation to change the world, they are instead mostly a social phenomenon designed to ride your coattails, mine your networks, and get something for nothing. For these reasons and many more, as I said you damn well better be unbelievably good at saying "no" to the vast majority of these really great opportunities. Offered opportunities ARE however an acknowledgment that you are at the peak of your career, that you are providing consistent value in your field, that you have something important to consider. 

So while being bombarded with opportunities is a standing ovation kind of experience, the wise will be super selective and say "no thank" you to the majority of them . . . so that you can keep producing the awesome stuff that got you to this point in the first place.

The central coast effect

The central coast effect

When I got into the car to drive to the airport it was 8 degrees Fahrenheit. It was so cold that the defroster button was frozen so tightly that I could not get it to work. The horn was frozen and it wouldn't work. Thank God the car actually started and got me to the airport so that I could go somewhere 50 degrees warmer!

Now three beautiful warm days later, I have to head back to the colder weather, but at least I got a great reprieve from the harsh winter weather. This is what I am mentally referring to as "the central coast effect" or another way to say it is change the story you are telling yourself or a third version could be, let's change this tune so that we can have a mental restart and do something beautiful.

We need these "mental weekend trips" away on a regular basis, so that we can see and experience all that is the now in vivid sharp accurate immediacy. We can be all present if we don't feel like we are stuck forever in a frozen wasteland. As Earl is fond of saying, "everyday is beautiful at my age" so too is the beauty of the central coast effect in mid-winter. 

Proud of the wrong things

Proud of the wrong things

Society and culture can be a confusing experience. We are conditioned to be proud of how busy we are, how hard we push ourselves, how little sleep we get, how much we can drink, how much we can accomplish on the least amount of resources.

I don't know about you, but when I do any single one of the things listed above, it has only negative consequences, except for the humble-bragging rights. Those are not the things we should be proud of at all. Instead . . . 

Today I am flying to work as is my standard custom, but I feel strong and invigorated because I precisely HAVEN'T done any of the things listed above. I limit my work on purpose, I Protect The Asset (ME!) from pushing too hard, I slept 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I did not drink anything for the last week. I make sure I have the resourcing to accomplish the tasks I need to do. So I am cranking it out and getting it done and changing the world precisely because I am proud of all the "wrong" things, which are really are all the right things!

Foggy days

After a great party last night for a friend's 41 birthday, it was deadly difficult to get up at 2:30 am this morning for the rush to the airport for my early early EARLY flight. But I did. It's the adult thing to do, you know, that whole go to work thingy. But I am certainly a little foggy today. 

And not only me, it was so foggy outside this morning that I could hardly find my car! And no that was/is an actual weather phenomenon not a metaphor for my mental struggles today. That was in the previous paragraph. But I digress, it was actually so foggy this morning, that I was pretty sure my flight was going to be canceled which often happens here. (And I would have happily drove back home and went right back to bed!) A few years ago the airport was closed almost every day for a six week fog extravaganza! But alas, since the plane I am currently riding in arrived last night BEFORE the fog arrived, we had something to ride the friendly skies with this morning, and the fog has never been a problem for the planes taking off, only landing.

So my flight flew, and so have I. And now I have a lovely 6 hour layover in Vienna before heading to Naples, and then a bus and then a train, and if all continues to go well I will arrive at my destination, at my hotel some 18 hours after getting up at 2:30 for the rush to the airport. All in a foggy day's work.

All the snowy travel places I have been

All the snowy travel places I have been

I am currently in Zagreb on my way home after a great week of work in Bosnia. But it is snowing like mad outside and my flight is questionable. As I was standing outside watching it snow, all the airports and bus stations I have been over the years in snow storms watching it come down in buckets and wondering if I will get home or not came back to me.

First of all were the years we lived in Central Canada. There we lived in the coldest temps we have ever experienced and there were a number of ice/snow/cold travel experiences. The worst one was when I had to go down to Minot, ND to pick up Brenda's mom from the airport so that she could be there with us for Jake's birth. It was in the -35 to -40 degrees below zero range, and the defroster in the car could never manage more than a small circle of cleared glass on the windshield even with the defroster on high the entire trip.

Then were the years we lived in Russia, where snow removal was iffy at best and de-icing non-existent. Those were some hairy flights, take-offs and landings. And many a bus trip and the waiting for a taxi or tram were done in the falling snow for hours.

And then the last 18 plus years in the former Yugoslavia. I have lost count how many days and hours I have waited and waited and waited to find out if we were flying out or not. Tonight is just another one, in a long series of such events in the life of an International worker living abroad in cold climates. But eventually I will get home, even if I have to wait until Spring.

Zagreb work days

Zagreb work days

It seems that I get laid over in Zagreb at least once every year for an extended time. Between the last time this happened and today, hell they went and built a new airport!! The arrivals hall alone is bigger than the last airport altogether. Now I sit here at Nero Coffee enjoying space, time, quiet (before was always so crowded and noisy and intrusive) the warm sun on my back, a fine coffee, an excellent apple strudel, and free WiFi. Now if I were only well rested, it would be an ideal working day. In the past this airport was so crowded I would go to the nearest hotel and pay the day rate so that I could get some work done.

This layover is not quite long enough for that, but I am not sure that it is even needed. This ambience works just fine for 3-4 hours. So I am traveling light and fast, only a Timbuktu messenger bag for the three day trip to Bosnia. A few shirts, clean undies, a few socks, a few cigars, an iPad and couple of phones, and I can conquer the world of travel and client work.

Now if I could only resolve the Brenda Earl Asia conundrum I would be a rock star. That will be what I work on after I finish writing this short blog. THAT requires a great deal of thinking, and then, a great deal more thinking. Ah Zagreb work days at their best.

I am not desperate anymore

This was a statement made by the son of one of my clients recently. It reflects the years of work I have put into this family and indeed, they are not desperate any longer. They are developing leaders hand over fist, they are expanding their ministry and extending their reach by their investment in others - just like I have in them.

I too, am no longer desperate. Desperation is the condition of working in an environment of scarcity. It is a lack of all that you need to move forward and succeed, and can be caused by the lack of vision and understanding of you the individual, or the weakness of the organization that you work with, creating a too narrow understanding of what is important and what is possible. It is a terrible way to live and lead.

Abundance thinking and abundance actions are the polar opposite. You understand that you have all that you need or actually could ever want or use effectively, but you have to grasp what you could not see before, take what you did not believe to be available before, develop what you attract with your character and vision and the very compelling nature of what kind of giver and developer you are with others. Live in abundance.

Cross throwing

Cross throwing 

Today is a holy day here, the annual cross throwing day. This is the day when crowds gather in the center of town and the Pope literally throws a cross into the freezing cold waters of the Vardar river from a bridge right in the center of town. Then with the TV cameras whirling, people literally jump into the freezing cold rushing water all vying to retrieve the cross. All kinds of good stuff is supposed to happen to the person who retrieves it. All the other swimmers who are freezing to near death, all the onlookers who are freezing while watching this spectacular display of desperation, all of them go home with nothing except maybe frostbite.

I like my version of the cross better, where all who come are welcome, all win the grace and mercy and forgiveness of the Savior who gave everything so that all could benefit on that death instrument. There is no competition here, no better or lesser saints, no faster or slower recipients, all who show up at the cross and confess, receive. There is no respecter of class, wealth, need or swimming ability at play here.

What you should care about, and not care about

I read thousands of RSS feeds every year. It is where I mine for bitcoin, . . . uh huh, I mean I mine for insight and information and tools to help my clients move forward in their leadership development. I have noticed a number of trends over the years and one that is becoming clearer and clearer is personal optimization as the actual goal of development material being written about out in the wild.

But leadership is about helping others move forward. We need leaders to help us navigate the difficult and complex, not the easy. So development from where I am sitting/standing is more about character and skills and empathy and learning, than it is about optimization.

Personal optimization leads us down the wrong path, it is the wrong direction I think. It is in the words of Mark Manson a sickness. He says it like this " . . . you will feel that you’re perpetually entitled to be comfortable and happy at all times, that everything is supposed to be just exactly the . . . way you want it to be. This is a sickness. And it will eat you alive. You will see every adversity as an injustice, every challenge as a failure, every inconvenience as a personal slight, every disagreement as a betrayal. You will be confined to your own petty, skull-sized hell, burning with entitlement and bluster, running circles around your very own personal Feedback Loop from Hell, in constant motion yet arriving nowhere." (From his book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" p.13)

You don't want to live in this place. Instead you want to make a difference, to matter, to accomplish the important, the lasting, the sustainable change that will help others move forward. Care about this, rather than about your own personal optimization. It will make all the difference in someone's life.

The saddest of days

The saddest days

The saddest days are when your family flies away again. A life of goodbyes. It was a great visit, which is awesome and terrible. Awesome because it was great to have them here and awesome to spend time with them day after day, to have the house filled with noise and laughter once again. Terrible because it was awesome, and it had to end. Thankful, but sad. A life of goodbyes.

The saddest days are when you can't get that terrible day out of your mind when your niece called and told you that you brother was gone forever. So thankful for the days and years that we had with him, but everything is changed forever because he is no longer with us. Thankful but sad. A life of goodbyes.

The saddest days are when you realize once again that you won't ever hear your mother laugh again, the loveliest of sounds. She too is gone. Thankful for all the years we had together, but sad there won't be any more. A life of goodbyes.

I am weary of goodbyes, and have been for a long while. The saddest of days. Here is hoping for when and that we can be together again.

Should I let this dream job go?

Should I let this dream job go?

It wouldn't be the first time. I have already let one dream job go. Best. Decision. Ever.

For a number of decades I was a pastoring various churches, I know I know, you can't imagine me doing that, and neither can I any longer. But I was, and the last one was perfect. Few problems, low maintenance, highly intelligent, very appreciative, wonderfully supportive, and overall a perfect church (yes they actually do exist, although extremely rare I admit) to lead. I got to do all the pieces I am best at, and very few of the pieces I suck at doing. Like I said, a dream job. I walked away.

Yep, I walked away from the dream job/perfect church, and have been offered much money since leaving five years ago, to return as leader. Not even remotely interested. Because I was coasting. And that is death.

Now I currently have a second dream job, one that I am even better at than I am at leading perfect churches! Few ever get one dream job and I have had two! Now I am seriously thinking about walking way from this one. Because its coasting again. And that is death.

Most people are looking for the perfect job where you can coast on your strengths and look amazing all the time. But folks you need pressure, cliffs, danger, failure, explosions, mistakes, to stay sharp and keep growing! Being stretched (which often translates into being scared!) and at risk of serious failure is necessary to a healthy growing developing person. No I am not an adrenaline junkie . . . very much. Coasting can be great after a long periods of highly stressful living, but if you stay there long, you go stale or worse, just existing, and that is death.

If you don't believe me, then read this https://www.lollydaskal.com/leadership/how-to-stop-seeing-struggle-as-something-negative/

So much noise

And not all of it bad. These holidays and vacation days have been super fun because of the special noise of family in the house. Yes it is much louder than normal, and that is good, the sound of laughter and real conversation and expressions of admiration and love.

But silence and mental space are not replaceable nor good gauges of the various values of which kinds of sounds are positive and healthy (which is a very small portion of the overall noise) and which kind of noise is simply noise. Useless distracting debilitating irritating frustrating claustrophobic noise. There is no space to think. There is no place to stop and assess. There is no room to gather your thoughts and order them and let them be important.

The noise is infectious, contaminating every thing it comes in contact with, and whatever happened to companionable silence? Noise infection makes everyone suspect something is wrong and out of sync relationally if more noise isn't constantly being produced! Many interactions with people feel like these firecracker bombs we have here in Eastern Europe at this time of year, children gleefully shocking and startling every unsuspecting person within earshot. Whatever happened to just enjoying a person's nearness and warmth without the impurity of noise or senseless talk?

So much noise. How is a person to create, make, produce something compelling exciting important significant or even interesting, something that matters, when the noise is so loud and pervasive? Find that space, that mental room or glade, the zone, the deep meditation spot where you can actually accomplish something. The world needs what you are thinking and can create.

The last human freedom

Today in my RSS feeds were articles about how Iran and DRC politicians/dictators are cutting off internet and mobile service to their citizens, in order to try and contain the violence being unleashed toward them (the dictators/politicians). Human freedoms seem to be under siege on this first day of 2018.

Everyone feels like their options and freedoms are being restricted at some point along the way of their lives. Of course this is a huge scale - it is one thing to be thwarted in your desire to veg-out and have some me time because of the needs/demands of your family for instance, versus being in a concentration camp and being systematically stripped of everything that makes you human. That is a huge scale.

On this later one, Viktor Frankl (Holocast/Auschwitz survivor) says, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." He meant this literally, that everything, everything can be taken away and was. Except the last human freedom - to choose your posture, or attitude to what is happening to you.

This is my greatest aspiration and my most regular disappointment in myself. Even though I catch myself quicker and quicker, I still fail to reign in my tongue and my thoughts soon enough many times. Here is my primary goal for the rest of my life, to enjoy this great last human freedom - to choose well how I see the events and their significance, that happen in my conversations and life.